When Shadows Cross
by Ladyamesindy
Summary: "Time heals all wounds." Commander Serafina Shepard is ready to put that theory to the test, but she cannot do it alone. Set in the Mass Effect 2 era shortly before the suicide run to the Collector homeworld.


"I tried, Shep, but I just don't know."

The petite thief shrugged her shoulders in a move that had Shepard smiling, though it was difficult to hide her disappointment. "Thank you, Kasumi," Shepard murmured. "I appreciate the attempt. I guess it was just too much to hope for at this point." _Too soon._

"What will you do now?"

They were standing near one of the small parks in the Presidium, alone but not at the same time. While there was no one in their immediate vicinity, Shepard understood well enough by now how the Citadel worked to know that in the center of galactic politics, there would still be eyes upon them. Just who they belonged to was another story altogether.

Her own shoulders moving in hesitation, Shepard replied, "I'm not sure."

"Do you want to pull out early?"

Shepard shook her head sharply at that suggestion. "No. Everyone's earned the break. Besides, this might be the last chance they have before …."

Kasumi glanced over at the commander as her voice trailed off, their eyes meeting in understanding. "Yeah. Well, for what it's worth, I set the rendezvous for the _Stand_ in Zakera Ward at 1600h."

Shepard blinked. "Why that one?" she asked, having recalled Kasumi mentioning it in previous visits.

Kasumi's voice betrayed her amusement. "You need to try some good ramen, Shep. Next to my grandma's recipe, they're not so bad." She reached out and lightly patted Shepard's non-existent belly. "Bon appetit!" she added just a second before cloaking and disappearing from sight.

"Kasumi!"

But Shepard's half hearted protest remained unanswered. Torn between irritation and amusement, she shook her head and turned to exit the area. She would head over to the restaurant, perhaps have a meal. A good cup of tea would be even better, she figured as she entered the transport station. And then she would see what would happen. Worse things could happen than spending an evening in her own company having dinner, right?

~ 0 ~

Shepard lost track of time easily as she stood at the counter. She chose an area in back - lights were less bright, it was out of immediate line of sight from the majority of people walking by, and (she hoped) would be a comfortable meeting spot. Assuming, of course, her companion chose to meet her. There was quite a bit of question left in that. From what Kasumi had told her, the request had not been well received. Shepard knew it was a long shot; after all, their last meeting had been on the acrimonious side of things. But in a life filled with winning those long shots, Shepard wanted to believe there _was_ still a chance.

In the meantime, she reached for her cup, took a sip of the hot, soothing tea and couldn't hold back a smile as the liquid slid delicately over her taste buds. If nothing else came from this visit, she could at least tell Kasmui that the green tea had been delightful. Almost as good as the stuff Kasumi had on board the _Normandy_. And the ramen …. Shepard spared a glance down at her empty plate and sighed. She might just have to partake of a second helping. It certainly was better than anything Gardener could whip up. Signaling the chef, she tipped her head towards her plate and he smiled and nodded.

She was sipping at her tea again when she felt a change around her. Without turning, Shepard glanced out of the corner of her eye to find … nothing. And yet, she was almost certain someone was now there, standing between her and the far wall. It wasn't so much a sound or scent or anything she could see that led her to that conclusion, but rather a keenly developed sixth sense that came from years of first hand experience. And a current association with a friend who liked to pop up unannounced at times. Frowning, Shepard hissed softly, "Kasumi, is that you?" She'd told the thief she wanted to be alone.

The chef chose that moment to replace her plate with a second one heaping full of food. But as he departed for the far side of the stand, the softest of rustle of movement could be heard. Again, she felt the air around her shift. "Kasumi!"

"Actually, Shepard," an all too familiar voice murmured near her ear, "it's me."

Gasping, Shepard turned and saw a hooded figure take shape in front of her eyes. Hooded, yes, but with the edge pulled back just enough for her to see those familiar, warm brown eyes. "Kaidan," she breathed. "I … I didn't think you were going to come."

His hand reached out to cover the one around her tea, squeezing gently. "Your friend Kasumi provided me with a few … incentives," he replied. He gestured to the cloak and his omni-tool.

Shepard smiled and chuckled softly. "Of course she did." Shepard knew she was going to owe the thief big time after this. The woman was more of a romantic than Shepard had given her credit for. Providing Kaidan with the means of being able to hide or play down their meeting so that Alliance eyes could not observe was pure genius on Kasumi's part.

Turning her hand slightly, Shepard returned the pressure by squeezing back. "Thank you for coming." She took a moment to catch the chef's attention, signaling she wanted a second serving of ramen and another cup of tea. Only after he'd done so did she turn her full attention to Kaidan.

"Kaidan -"

"Shepard -"

In the stumbling awkwardness as they spoke the other's name, some of the remaining tension from Horizon seemed to fade.

"You first," Kaidan told her.

Shepard chuckled softly, recognizing that gentlemanly flair about him. He'd been that way ever since they'd met, years before. Some things didn't ever fade with time, apparently. Offering him a small smile, she told him quietly, "I just … I wanted to apologize. For what happened on Horizon."

He was silent for a moment, his eyes focused intently on her. Shepard, used to being under close scrutiny, remained calm. "You didn't read the message I sent you, did you?" he asked.

_Message?_ Shepard felt the heat rise to her cheeks then, recalling the message she'd had in her inbox. She'd come across it after a 'recreational' visit to Omega, one that had left her feeling a bit off, and she'd filed it away, unread for a later time. Emotions had been too raw then; to pour salt on an open wound like that had been more than she could bear. And then after … she'd simply forgotten. "No," she finally admitted. "I'm sorry … I should have, but I … my frame of mind wasn't all that good at the time." Dropping her eyes to stare at her plate, Shepard closed her eyes tight for a minute and willed the memories of the two day hangover - and proper chastisement from the doctor - away.

Kaidan sighed. "I can't really blame you," he told her. "After … well. Look, Shepard, I just want you to know I take full blame for what happened. I -"

Shepard shook her head. "Your 'knight in shining armor' side is showing, Kaidan," she murmured.

He managed a partial smile, a short laugh. "Yeah, well … I actually got my ass chewed out for that," he admitted, "by one of the two scariest women in the galaxy."

Shepard felt a grin pull at her lips. "Your mom." It was a statement, not a questions, because Shepard knew.

Kaidan nodded, ignoring the flush that crept into his face. Turning away, he admitted, "Yeah. Nothing quite like getting a dressing down by your own mother, let me tell you. She could give the Alliance lessons, I swear."

Eyes still downcast, Shepard stared into the cup of tea between her hands and bit back an amused retort. Instead, she focused on the reasons behind what had happened. "Look, I know it was a shock. The minute I saw you … the expression that crossed your face …." This time it was she who sighed. Taking a small sip of tea, she forced herself to turn and face him again. "I could tell no one had told you I was back."

The implication that others had known by that point in time was not lost on him. "Who?"

She hesitated, uncertain if she should lay blame, but career soldiers understood where they sat within the chain of command. She hadn't appreciated it much at the time, had actually taken it out on Anderson the next time she'd spoken with him, but now …. "Anderson. I'd been trying to find you for weeks by then, but Anderson stonewalled me at every turn." Shrugging, she concluded, "I guess my 'return' was too much for some to handle."

She could see the flickering changes subtly changing as he processed her words. She heard his breath hitch slightly, saw his shoulders stiffen, could almost feel the sharp stab of pain that likely sliced through him. Had she not experienced the same? "Shepard -"

Raising a hand, she held it out in a motion to stop him. "Don't," she said. "We both know he was probably right to do so." _But that didn't make it any easier._

His reply was a soft grunt before lifting his own cup of tea to his lips. "Two years," he reminded her.

She nodded. "I know. Two years for you - it felt like, I don't know … a night's sleep? A couple of days at most, for me." She shrugged again.

"Yeah. That didn't occur to me until after."

Again silence fell. It wasn't awkward, really, but it wasn't the old companionable silences they'd shared from the past, either.

"So … where does that leave us?"

His question had Shepard's spine straightening, quite literally. "Is there an 'us' anymore?" she countered as gently as she could. "Two years is a long time. I would have thought you -"

His hand darted out and captured her wrist, tightening pressure around it before loosening and sliding down to her hand. "Don't." His voice sounded raspy, tight. Shepard felt the guilt constricting around her chest like an elastic band. "I - yeah, I tried to get out again. Friends set me up with someone. But it just wasn't … and then I saw you …."

Shepard winced. She heard it in his tone - pain, confusion, something else perhaps. "Kaidan … I'm so sorry."

It took a moment, but the minute his hand released hers, the cold began seeping in. Deeper and deeper, through the skin, bone deep and chilling to the core. So much so that she couldn't keep from shivering.

"You've found someone else."

Shepard pulled her lip between her teeth, grasping it tightly, but she offered him a small nod. "It's … it wasn't …." He pulled back sharply at her words, and for a second, Shepard panicked. This time, it was her hand that darted out, grasping his arm. "Don't go," she pleaded. "Kaidan, let me explain -"

He turned on her and she could see pain and anger and _hurt_ deep in his eyes and sweet Maker did it hurt to witness that up close like this. "You want me to just stand here while you tell me you've moved on?" he hissed before taking a step away from her. "To know that you can and I can't?"

Shepard pulled from some deep, inner reserves, countering, "I want you to pay me the same respect you seem to want from me! After Horizon, did you think I would just accept your rejection and sit in a corner, waiting for you to make up your mind?" He froze in his tracks, but he did not turn back. When she spoke again, her voice gentled, "I wasn't looking for this, please understand that. We … it's … oh hell," she tossed her hands in the air in frustration. "It's difficult to describe. He and I … we're a lot alike in some ways. He's been there for me, had my back, has helped me find ways to deal with certain … issues."

"Issues?" Kaidan turned back to face her. "What issues?"

Shepard's eyes hardened. She felt her nose twitch, her lip tug to the right of its own accord. "Anger," she finally responded. "Frustration. Self doubt, insecurity … you name it." Her stance shifted almost imperceptibly into a defensive one, as if she was preparing for him to attack her for what she'd said.

But he simply watched her. "Is it Garrus?" he asked.

The question broke the tension then, causing Shepard to laugh. "No," she replied after a moment. Garrus was a friend - a good and faithful friend, possibly the best friend Shepard had ever had, but he wasn't _that_ kind of friend.

But where the mood for Shepard had lightened, she could see the look in Kaidan's eyes darkening. "Cerberus then."

Her eyes widened. "Oh, _hell_ no!" she protested. "I'll grant you, they brought us together, yes, but he is not and would never have anything to do with Cerberus otherwise." Sighing, she took a step away from the counter and towards him. "Kaidan, please … it's complicated. He -"

But Kaidan turned away again. "You live your life the way you want," he muttered.

She winced again. If that didn't sound like a door slamming in her face, she didn't know what it was. But she had to try. "Kaidan, please … don't go yet."

"Why?" he demanded. When he took a few more steps away, Shepard tossed a credit chit onto the counter and quickly turned to follow after him. She wasn't prepared to let things end like this. "You all but tell me we're done -"

"No," she told him. "You're the one who is shutting _ME_ down! My relationship with Thane is complicated … and likely short-lived. It's also not the reason I'm here."

He stopped walking then, moving into one of the shadowed corners off to the side of the walkway. Though he could not hold back the glare, he asked, "How do you mean?"

Shepard sighed as she moved into the darkness with him. Thane's story wasn't one she could share. "Kaidan, we're going to make an attempt to find the Collector homeworld," she explained. She saw the shock in his face and reached out for his hand, taking a chance. "I know, it's a suicide mission. I accept that." She offered him a half hearted attempt at a smile. "Why else would the Illusive Man have brought me back, right?"

Kaidan blinked. "But … to do that you need to go through the Omega-4 Relay …."

She nodded. "We think we've found the way to do that," she assured him. She saw his features pale even more and squeezed his hand tightly. "Kaidan, trust me - that's the easy part."

She shouldn't have been surprised, she supposed, when he reached out, grasped her arm and tugged so she would fall into his arms. His arms tightened around her, almost desperately she thought, but she also understood why. She clearly wasn't the only one still affected by the events over Alchera. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she heard him whisper, "God, Shepard! Be careful, okay? I don't think … I just …." She heard his voice crack, felt his arms tighten even more. "I can't bear the thought of losing you again."

Shepard sighed and nodded against his shoulder. "I know," she told him. "I've got a good team," she added. "Better, maybe, than what we had before when we went after Saren, if you can believe it. If we have any shot of making it back, it's because of them." She glanced up at him, searching his face. "Promise me something?"

To his credit, he didn't pull away. "What?"

"If … no, _WHEN_ I get back … we'll talk more?"

There was a wariness building around him again. She could see it in his eyes, feel it in the way his arms suddenly stiffened, though he did not release her immediately. "To what end?" he hedged.

Shepard leaned up and pressed a brief but light kiss to his lips. "You mean a lot to me, Kaidan," she told him. "You always will. What I have with Thane is special, but it does not diminish what I feel for you." Sighing, she felt his hands fall away and she took a step back. "He knows about you, knows how I feel about you," she added. _How I will ALWAYS feel about you._

"And he's okay with this?"

She met his gaze. "He's been in a similar situation. Loved and lost. Like I said, complicated. But I promise, when I'm back, I will explain." Lifting her hand, she settled it on his chest, over his heart, and held it there for a long moment. Eyes closing, she sought out the ways towards peace Thane had taught her over these past few weeks. Never had she needed that inner calm more than this moment. When she opened her eyes again, she found Kaidan's. "I should go now," she murmured.

She could feel the reluctance in his hands as he released her. "Shepard …."

She smiled up at him one last time, allowed the touch of their hands to linger just a moment longer. "When I return," she repeated. Less than a heartbeat later, she turned and walked away without looking back.


End file.
